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Tough Leadership Conversations: How To Have a Difficult Performance Conversation (download transcript)

Adam Lacey

Welcome to the Tough Leadership Conversation series. I'm Adam, the co-founder of Assemble You, the audio learning experts, and I'm joined by Ruth Farenga, Executive Leadership Coach, TEDx speaker, host of the Conscious Leaders podcast and author of the brilliant Next Level Leadership. Together, we'll examine how to navigate some of the most challenging workplace discussions.

Think pay rise requests, performance reviews, managing managers, dealing with divergent views, and talking about mental health. Unclear communication can lead to an erosion of trust, staff absenteeism, a breakdown of relationships and a decline in performance, so getting these tricky conversations right is absolutely essential.

This series is as much about reflecting inward as a leader as it is about your day-to-day management practices and techniques. In this series, we'll discuss approaching situations with a positive intention. Fundamentally, we get the most out of individuals when we concentrate on what's working rather than what we perceive to be broken. So with that in mind, let's get started.

So Ruth, what are we talking about today?

Ruth Farenga

So today we're talking about having difficult performance discussions.

Adam Lacey

Okay. Had a few of these in my time, so looking forward to getting stuck into this. So could we just talk about maybe, you know, why is this so important? What's the context here?

Ruth Farenga

I think the context here is that it's really easy to avoid these conversations. Us Brits are quite good, particularly, at avoiding direct conversations. And it can really bite us later if we're not upfront with this type of feedback in our work in general. And really seeing this as part of a leader's role, not a distraction from the day-to-day work and what I should be doing. But actually a real opportunity to step up as a leader and a manager and give feedback and help correct behaviour that we think is inappropriate or poor for the organisation in some way.

Adam Lacey

In an ideal world you'd never actually have to have one of these really difficult conversations because everything will have already been said. But yeah. Let's talk about how we actually do. And you mentioned a really good point there. And one of the major issues here is that people just avoid having these tough conversations because they find them too uncomfortable.

There's a study we found by training firm Bravely that said that 70% of employees avoid difficult conversations. And a CMI survey published in the People Mentor said 80% of those surveyed by the CMI said they had no formal training how to handle difficult conversations. So not only are people avoiding them, actively, organisations are generally quite bad at providing training on that.

So if you're listening to this, congratulations, you're in the 20%. And hopefully we can help a little bit with these performance conversations. So let's start off with why is this such a tough conversation to have? What's going on here? For the manager and for the individual who's maybe underperforming?

Ruth Farenga

Yeah. I think there can be a lot of fear wrapped around performance discussions, especially those difficult ones. It's really easy to give positive feedback. Though it can be something that's overlooked. And I think when we talk about negative feedback, we need to think about positive feedback too. So are we landing positive feedback with an individual to help boost their confidence? So that when we land difficult feedback, it's like, “Oh, okay. This is something that is balanced within other feedback. I'm not just having loads of negative feedback thrown at me”. And it's a real opportunity to, like I said, I guess to step up for the individual.

You know, Brené Brown always said that “clear is kind”. And we can think that we are being kind by just being a bit fluffy with someone. Maybe they do a really terrible presentation and they come off and you go, “Yay! Well done. It was really good.” That's really negative for that individual because they walk away like, “oh, I did a great job”. You know? Whereas if you like, you know, “Well done for doing that, let's talk about more about it later” and you give them the feedback about what you wanna see in general, that's actually a gift to them. So, acknowledging that fear is a huge part of the barrier. If indeed there is a barrier for you. Most people, most managers, will be a little afraid to go into this type of thing.

So be aware of that, kind of allow some discomfort with that experience because it's not easy, but it is a gift to them. It is actually a way to build trust, and that's really key.

Adam Lacey

Yeah, and I think that's a really positive thing to remember that clear is kind message. You're doing the people who work for you a massive disservice if you tell them something's great and it's really not. Because at some point someone's gonna tell them it's terrible and they're gonna be way more hurt because this is something that they could have addressed earlier in their career when they were working for you.

And I think that's a really important thing to remember. The reason behind why it's sometimes necessary to have a difficult performance review is because it is out of kindness. It's not out of, you know, wanting to catch people out. It's not out, you know, wanting to put people down or anything like that.

The position you should be coming at this from is a position of kindness. I want to help this person get better. I want to help their career develop. And I wanna make sure that they, you know, maximise their earning potential and all the other, all the other good things associated with good performance.

You’re a team leader, and a member of your team, Matt, has recently delivered a client presentation that didn’t land well.

Several attendees flagged that the content lacked clarity and structure, and one of your peers privately mentioned that Matt had interrupted others during the Q&A. You’ve noticed this isn’t the first time something like this has happened, but you haven’t addressed it previously, partly because Matt is generally confident, well-liked, and performs well in other areas.

You schedule a one-on-one with him. You're aware this might come as a surprise to Matt, and you don’t want him to take the feedback personally. However, you also know that not addressing the issue could harm your team’s credibility and Matt’s growth.

1. How can you open the conversation in a way that’s honest but doesn’t put Matt on the defensive?
2. What signals might help you tune in to whether there’s something deeper going on behind his behaviour?
3. How could you ensure that feedback like this becomes part of an ongoing dialogue rather than something that only arises when issues build up?

How To Have a Difficult Performance Conversation

Catch issues early. Notice patterns of behaviour and address concerns before they escalate. If you observe an issue three times, initiate a conversation.

Be direct. Avoid hiding criticism between praise. State your concern clearly and show you care about the person.

Listen deeply. After sharing the issue, give the individual space to respond.

Identify what someone needs, ask what support they want, and offer coaching and training as required.

Create a genuinely safe space for sharing. Ask, “Is there anything else you’d like to share?” and allow time for silence.

Follow up regularly. Check in after a few days.

Embed feedback in team culture. Have regular performance discussions (quarterly, not just annually). Ensure team values and expectations are clear.

Radical Candor (Kim Scott). Challenge directly and care personally. Balance honesty with empathy to build trust.

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